February 23, 2013

• Continue?

  [CM]‘s grandmother passed away last week, and it’s placed her under greater strain than she already has been with med school.  It brought up a lot of memories of my own grandmother’s passing, which was just a few months ago.  There’s not much you can say when something like that happens– there’s no advice you can give that is anything more than generalisation that could just as easily not have been said.

   

  I wonder sometimes if we’ll ever catch a lucky break where things will just suddenly become “easy,” but realistically, it’s doubtful.  Orientation Week is this coming week at my university, so that means that I’ll be getting busy as well due to commitments to the Baduk Club and LawSoc.  It’ll be good for me to get busy.

  CM and I got into an argument the other day about my neediness as a person.  I guess what it amounts to is that I feel that I, as a boyfriend, am entitled to a certain amount of attention.  Certain things count more than others for this.  I guess the big thing is that CM is so pre-occupied with how complicated her school and other life is that she just takes it for granted that I’m there in the background, still going about things.  I try really hard to make her life easier and simpler, because I think that’s what a partner should do.  But on the other hand, maybe I’m over reaching.  She tells me that nothing can change the situation she’s in– does that mean I’m supposed to stop trying to help?  Because in my helping, I expect some appreciation.

   

  Fundamentally, I don’t think a relationship is just a work relationship.  It’s not just a question of dividing and conquering the upkeep of daily life or the tasks that we need to achieve what we want.  There’s something to be said about needing the presence of someone uniquely because they are who they are.  I am quite convinced that that person, for me, is CM.  And I’m mostly certain that she feels the same way about me.  The problem is, she doesn’t take the time to show it– and I’m not a machine. I need some encouragement.  We’ve talked about it, and we get nowhere on the subject.  Fundamentally, she’s just too short on time.  Perhaps too short on time to really maintain our relationship.

   

  I think back to generations of Chinese families, where one partner goes off to work and barely ever comes home.  I’m still on vacation– today is my last day– and for the past few weeks, I feel like that has been me.  It has a lot to do with the relative ratio of stress that we have in our days.  Her day consists of running around hospitals, following doctors around, where I’m largely left to my own devices.  I have most of the days to spend on video games, judo, and my part time job.  Where I can, I do as much as I can to get the load off CM’s back– laundries, cleaning, groceries.  I’m like a home-maker.  And the tacit assumption is that what my partner is doing is what’s best for her, and for us, and it’s what we need.

  I know that relationships can survive like this– thousands of generations of migrants workers, not just Chinese, have families built on exactly this model of love and devotion.  Perhaps my standards are too high– maybe the reality of the real world is that the best we can hope for is a comrade in arms who we can have an occasional heart to heart with over a campfire.  Did I get the false impression from movies and television– that a relationship should be more fun and more involved with one another?  I remember a quote from Dr. Cox from Scrubs.  It went something along the lines of how relationships don’t fall apart because two people keep fighting– they fall apart when nobody wants to fight anymore. 

   

  We made decisions to come to Australia and take on some of the most difficult grad school programs there are.  Whether or not I regret it is inconsequential.  The question is, do we continue to find reasons to find it all worth the prices we continue to pay?

  I’m a very stubborn, proud person. I believe in following through with things, and though I am adaptable there are certain things that I am very difficult to compromise on. One of these things is that I will be there for CM through thick and thin.  If I was younger, I might ask myself “wouldn’t it be easier to find someone simpler?”  But that kind of “younger” thought is also a trap– because relationships aren’t just about the good times, they’re also about how you get through the really tough times together.   I often get the feeling that she’s gotten tired of fighting– but I remember that the exhaustion mainly from her fighting me (though, I am guilty of some of it), it’s from her struggling with med school and her family. 

   

  I’m not sure what I’m getting at– but I guess it’s to say that, though the process is difficult, I’m still convinced that she’s worth the trouble.  I’m only human, so I can’t say that any more categorically.  It won’t be easy, but we’ll get through this.

   

  It’s been raining all weekend, but the sun is finally coming out.

  • 6:21 pm
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