October 16, 2012

• Pata pata pata pon!

  I think I’m a bit more on track now.  Thank you everyone for your comments over the past few days.

  When I was taking a Teaching English as  Second Language (TESL) certification something like 5 years ago, I remember that the instructor pointed out that when you were out travelling on your own and bound to a place, you might find at some point that you were simply isolated.  Which could be a huge surprise, because, being a foreign land, you’d be surrounded by nothing but opportunities—opportunities for new food, new people, new things to do—just, really, adventure.

  However, the loss of something familiar will be something that could, at some point, turn that situation into something poisonous.

   

  I’ve lived through that firsthand when I was in South Korea.  I remembered an important bit of advice from that instructor though: you need something to anchor yourself in who you were before this all happened.

  For me, when stuff in South Korea started going south (sorry, bad pun) when I broke up with [ThePines], and the culture shock was really starting to set in, it was martial arts.   I never liked Taekwondo, as an outsider who was already firmly rooted in mindset of “anything goes.”  But the advice was sound.  While everything else in life was uncertain, my spirit and my body were familiar with the process of training. It helped get my mind back on track by stepping away from the shittiness of the situation, and really giving myself a chance to do something that I was familiar with.  Someting that gave me a sense of control and achievement.

   

  The last week has been very similar to that.

   

  Writing about it definitely helps.  I looked over what I wrote and I think I understand myself a bit better as a result.  I was tempted to correct the typos, but decided that, in line with my general policy to “write first, ask questions later,” I’d leave it as is.  The typos probably speak of my state of mind anyway, and that’s what the writing is supposed to reflect, isn’t it?

   

  I think the problem with loss and a sense of loss is that it’s simply irreversible.  It is important, I think, to really give into it.  That sounds strange I suppose. 

   

  Nobody ever wishes for bad things to happen.  But when they do? You might as well take advantage of it.  Soak up the feeling.  See how low and miserable you can truly be.

   

  And then, when you get back on track, ordinary life just seems so much better in comparison.

   

   

  -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

  In that light, I feel like I’m on a bit of a rebound right now.  I’m feeling good.  I feel motivated for finals.  I feel motivated in martial arts again.  I’ve been re-elected as President of the Go Club for 2013.  I’m waiting on results for the Faculty Student Rep election, and have an interview on Sunday for a position with Law Society for Editor of the Law Soc newsletter.  I also got the marks back from a moot that I performed, as well as a review which I wrote (which I thought I would get a terrible mark on) and I actually got my first good grade this semester.

  Also, the 13of October was my 3 year anniversary with [CM].  It’s hard to believe that that much time has passed—but we had a good date day where we went to a breakfast buffet at the Hilton, and we had dinner at a pretty good Vietnamese Pho joint (to commemorate our very first date at a Viet restaurant).  Also, on the 14^th, it was a bit late, but we cooked up a turkey for a Tanksgiving, and it was delicious.  I also recently found out that “The World Ends with You,” one of the best RPGs of all time, was rereleased on mobile platforms.  The only thing that kinda sucked about that game was that it was on Nintendo DS, which almost nobody I know owns, so I could never get anyone else to play it.  I promptly bought the game so that CM could play it and share in it.

   

  Oh, and I played a KGS game of Go on my phone against another human– despite making a few boo boos, I won the game by over 80 points, even while handicapped.  (The game is adjusted to make the games more or less equal– a win by more than 10 points or so usually indicates something very severe happened!)  That was good for morale.

   

  I’ve discovered that one of the things that makes me feel better about myself is comparing myself to others in ways that reveal that I’m better than others.  I’m not sure if that makes me insecure (I usually am quite selective of what matters to me) and egotistical, or awesome.

   

  Anyway.  Things are looking up.  There’s a huge uphill exam season battle in front of me… but at least I’m looking forward.

  • 11:35 pm
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