September 25, 2012

• On Competition

  I found out a couple of days ago that [CaptainK] got through the clerkship process-- he's been accepted as a summer clerk for Clayton Utz, which is one of big law firms here in Sydney.  I'm really happy for him-- it's what he, [DilligentB] and I have just wanted to achieve for the past several months, and it's been weighing down somewhere in the backs of our heads since we first started filling applications out.

   

  As i mentioned in previous posts, I missed my chance-- I wasn't accepted for this intake, so I'll have to try again next year.  DilligentB is in the worst sort of place right now-- they called her last week to say that she was on a waiting list, and that she'd have a spot if some others refused their offers.  They told her that that they'd let her know friday or monday (note: it's now tuesday here in australia), so she's just stressing, hoping for phone calls.

   

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  Put simply, I'm jealous of CaptainK getting that internship.  I don't think it's important why I think I deserve an internship more or less than the next person, but I think what's important for me to take out of this is just to see what I can do better next time around.

  Between CaptainK and I, I know that he's the friendlier person.  He's a real social butterfly, whereas, nice as I can be when I want to be, it's not my default setting.  I'm sure that kind of thing shows in an interview and a cocktail evening.  It's something I'll have to work on then-- the small talk.  I have no doubt that people who get to know me really well think that I'm a pretty cool guy worth getting to know better, but when you've only got a limited amount of time in an interview situation, every second counts.

   

  Simply put though, I'm jealous.  I don't think I have any ill-will towards CaptainK himself, it's mostly what he's got that I want.  I want to have a summer clerkship because it would have meant that for the remaining 1.5 years of my degree, I could relax a bit on the schoolwork.  I'm always clawing away and it feels like a real battle of attrition at times to get grades-- I'm always fighting to keep my grades up and it really has a toll on me mentally and physically at all times.  It's not to say that it's any easier for other people, but simply, I just wish I didn't have to worry about grades.  I'd learn a lot more if I wasn't just trying to game the system and get the best marks, rather than taking the time to understand and engage with things in ways that were interesting.

   

  On the plus side, I half-jokingly say that it's great that CaptainK gets his internship now-- because that means there'll be one more spot for me next year.

   

  On that same logic, lets hope DilligentB gets in this year as well.  Not that I just want her out of the way for next year-- that's only half of it-- the other half is that I just genuinely wouldn't want anyone to go through another 1.5 years of cut throat grade scavenging if they didn't have to.

   

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  My school is famous for bellcurves. In case you don't know that that means, it means that even if you write a great paper or exam, if everyone else did better than you, you will still be 'bellcurved' such that you will get a barely passing mark.  I don't think anyone particularly wants to cut anyone else's throats out, but I have found that I personally have always consciously tried in paper writing to always put in some sorta 'gimmick' or schtick to make mine stand out. Simply, every little advantage counts.

   

  I don't like being competitive in this area.

   

  I think it's fine for badminton and martial arts or whatever else-- but this, this is something different.  Me being in Australia with CM, lawschool is tied to something much bigger than just my own pride and achievement.  This is about career now, it's about us being able to live the rest of our lives together.   Do you hear it?  That's the sound of my hunger.  And hunger is stressful.

  • 12:46 am
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