Location: @Work
Time: 00:42 Nov 21, 2009

Batteries: 70%

"You might want to pick up your pay stubs every now and then," said [D], handing me a stack of no less than 6 of them.  That means that I haven't picked them up in over two months, considering that I'm paid bi-weekly.

"Oh," I purse my lips. "Thanks!"

Attached to one of the paystubs is a message in French relating to some changes to the Emergency department.  Roughly translated, it explains about how with the coming of the new head nurse (I think she came into the unit about the same time as I did) there's been an investigation run by an independent task force of human ressources to see just what the Montreal Childrens' Hospital is good at, what it's bad at, and how we can make ourselves better.  Roughly translated, here's what it reveals.

As far as our strengths go,

• Good quality and safety of care
• Great passion for pediatric care and clientele
• Unpredictablity of work and a variety of challenges
• Positive relations with physicians
• Motivation and pride related to work
• Positive leadership of the head-nurse and her assistant head-nurses in general
• High feeling of professional autonomy
  Cooperation and teamwork generally good

As to our weaknesses,

• Cleanliness and order of spaces
• Public access to certain places in Emergency
• Violence at work
• Equipment
• Work volume compared to the unit's capacity
• Shortage of nursing personnel
• Productivity of some employees
• Feedback and recognition
• Communication and attitudes
• Information circulation and team meetings
• Flexibility of work schedules
• Standardized and documented work processes (especially administrative)
• Management leadership for the patients attendants, clerks and administration technicians.

WELL, to be honest, I could've told you all that!

The way that you can read this is essentially the same way that you could've read my blog, ever since I started working at the Chidlren's back in January.

In summary, the people at the front lines are passionate caring people, but we're far outnumbered and outgunned compared the situatinos that we're put in.  We get little or no appreciation from our higher ups and we're left to basically run this department shoulder to shoulder and back to back out of FUBARed situations using POS equipment all the time.

It's rather misleading, you'll note, that some of the strengths seem in conflict with some of the weaknesses, but I that discrepency exists because the letter forgets to mention that they've not separated the feeedback of nursing aspects from the adminstrative aspects-- for example, nursing generally has efficient managment, wheras administration has terrible management.

Case and point-- I've requested new hospital scrubs since last January 2009.  I wear size small or medium-- my current set is XXXL.  I've asked for new scrubs forever, but the department seems to think that it's more of a priority to install electric staplers and these little mounting stands for computers so that they've got wheels on them.  Where in God's name are we going to be moving these computers anyway??

I should point out that my manager's office is being redone, and it's costing 1000$ of taxpayers' healthcare budget to get painted a room that's essentially the size of my apartment living room.  One. Thousand. Dollars.

I digress.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

If there is nothing else I've learned throughout my life thus far, it's that passion is what keeps the world turning.

Depite it's shortcomings, this Emergency department ingloriously runs on the fuel of people who care in spite of their own best interests.  And by that, I mean, the conditions are awful, the pay is lousy, the hours suck, you're always getting sick, and nobody appreciates you.  Of course there are days when it's better than others and days where it's worse than usual-- but hey, who am I to bitch? That's life, and that's goes for everyone.  In any field, any profession, there will be things to gripe about.  And it seldom gets much better.

The only way anyone gets anywhere though is if the terms of victory are found somewhere within the heart.  It may not be efficient, but what kind of passion can you really pump efficiently through a machine anyhow?  The best parts are always the dirty ones that show character-- without these struggles, that is to say, the shit that we do gripe about, what really is the point of victory?

I mean, what's the point of going somewhere if we're already there?  What's the point of winning if there's nothing to lose?

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

But wait.

That's the way that I've traditionally thought of things.

Fight. Fight. Fight.

I'm begining to wonder if that paradigm is just... incomplete? Maybe I'm so entrenched in that perspective that I can't see outside of that box?

Why does anyone have to go 'looking for trouble'?

-=-=-=-=-

Time: 3:41 PM Nov 21 2009

Location: @parents home (came here after finishing work in the morning to visit for the weekend)

Batteries: 10% (I'm sooooooooo tired, but I can't seem to sleep because it's too noisy at home =_=)

Daybreak isn't always characterized daylight, and this was one of those days. My thumb pushed into the germicide despenser, spitting a light bubbly foam into my palm.  I waved and said goodbye to the guard in French, turning to face him just enough to give the automatic doors the second and a half it needed to notice me. Like curtains, they drew themselves shut behind me as I stepped out into the world outside of the Emergency.

The morning fog smelled and tasted nice.  That these curtains were made out glass is probably a good indication that this wasn't le fin at all though.  You could still see things going on.  That they open just as automatically to let me as in as out tells you that this is one of those plays that never really comes to an end.  Days come and go, but human sympathy for human stupidity goes further, and thus a hospital like this will stand forever.  And if it is to one day be knocked down like a house of cards, it's only so we can try and build a bigger one with the same faces and more somewhere else.

It was foggy out that morning and if you followed the roadway down the hill and checked out the greenery by its side, you'd have seen that the blades of grass were lightly frosted, almost like the glassrim of an Ameretto sour.  This is the kind of world that one only sees this early in the morning, before the sane working people get up to go to work, instead of geting up to go home.

Rounding the corner, my bike was one out of three on the rack.  Droplets not big enough to be drops hung from the bike everywhere, so after taking off the lock and stowing it in my bag, I lifted the Warthog up and let it bounce a few times to shake it all off.  I'm not sure why I do that, since it's pretty much impossible to stay dry on days like those.

Maybe I just like the idea that the Warthog can take a little roughing up.

Ever since I caught H1N1 about 3 weeks back, I've been totally off of my training schedule.

There's a number of reasons for this.

First of all, it was the flu.  Duh.  The flu sapped so much of my energy that I couldn't do jack squat while I had it, and even 10 days after I first got it, I was still drastically weakened.

Before the flu, I did some exercise whenever I can.  It usually totalled 3 or 4 times per week for the running, and I'd do other calisthetics and isometric exercises at home whenever I had the extra energy, so that was between 4 and 7 days per week.

Before the flu,
I ran trips of 5km in under 25 minutes on hills.
I could do 40 pushups.
I could do 20 chinups.
I could do do 30 crunches.

Sometimes if I was feeling particularly energetic I might do less reps but more sets over the course of a day. That might not sound like a lot a lot to a lot to some of you people out there, but [Terminator] checked out my technique for a lot of those things and basically just corrected my form for eacho one of those exercises and it made it helluva harder.

Anyway, my point is that, 14 days after I first caught the flu,
I couldn't run.
I could do maybe 8 pushups.
I could do 4 chinups.
I usually gave up on crunches because I was so tired from the pushups and chinups.

Now, about 21 days after I first caught the flu,
it took me more than 25 minutes to run 3km, and I'm exhausted afterwards.
Pushups are at 20.
Chinups are at 10.
Crunches are at 20.

The flu really took a lot out of me and though the first few numbers at 14 days may be especially low because I hadn't fully purged it out of my system, I'm pretty sure that today, about 21 days after T-0, I'm clean.  It's just that the combination of the weakness and the loss of a lot of muscle mass over the course of a 3 week hiatus from any physical activity have really taken their toll on my body.

My average weight is also 6 pounds less than what it was 21 days ago.

-=-=-=-=-=-

I've got a case of eczema/dermatitis that's really annoying the crap out of me, and it makes me less inclined to try some of my month-old training plans.  Judo, in particular-- a month ago, I'd intended on joining a judo dojo somewhat near my apartment, but frankly I don't want to get up close and personal when I've got skin problems.  Although eczema isn't contagious, it is embarassing, and moreover, it can be very uncomfortable and at times even painful because the skin is so dry and brittle that close contact actions, for example, someone trying to grab you by your jacket and throw you on your back, will really hurt.

I've always had eczema, it usually only comes back during this time of year.  I missed out on it last time because I was in Asia, and something about the combination of the humidity and the heat kept the symptoms away completely.  Either that, or pollution trumps dermatitis.

But this year I think it's particularly bad beause I'm biking. The most affected area is on my neck and ears, and now a bit on my eyelids and forehead-- I think it's because of the windchill that basically dries my skin right out.  It's also on my arms, body and legs, but that's not as bothersome. No matter how much lotion I take, it doesn't cut it.

 [Supergirl] doesn't seem to mind it but I do; I hate having eczema. It's one of those things that I was simply born with and don't really have any control over.  I haven't been prescribed any sorta cortizone creams or anything like that since I was a kid, but I'm fed up of this. I've got a dermatologist appointment for tomorrow morning, which I'm going to go to after I finish work at 8am.  I need to know what my options are, because this will affect my plans to cycle through winter.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Lastly,

one of the reasons why I don't train as much nowadays is because of [Supergirl].

At the roots, the training was always because I had a surplus of negative energy within me.  Make no mistake-- it was not positive energy.  It's something that I needed to work out of me or it would drive me insane.

I was never much one for academics-- but the easiest example I can think of as far as negative energy goes were those days back in college when I was an arcade addict.  It wasn't that the energy made me play arcades-- it was that arcades turned out to be one of the easiest ways of diffusing that energy.  I could channel that agression into some sort of dedication to pixels and joysticks as if everytime I rolled out a quarter-circle, it wasn't just Ryu throwing the fireball out of his amassed qi-- it may as well have been me.  With every opponent I challenged, I could work off more and more of this energy.

Martial arts were no different.  It was a means of self discipline that allowed me to channel the negative energy.  It sounds cliche, but I always struggled with it.  Back then, there was so much to hate.

I suppose that over the years I forgot just what all the rage and anger was all about, and then after that all that was left was the addiction to the actual acts of energy diffusion.  Thus, it came naturally that I could throw myself into things like badminton, kickboxing, taekwondo or grappling. Even playing a guitar, or writing-- it was most profound when I had something that I wanted to work out.

It self perpetuates, kinda.  I guess what happens it that even when the original reason is gone, you just get into the habit of being an agressive person.  Your body, or more accurately, your sprit, automatically generates the negative energy even without a trigger, because it's set in that way. 

I've always been like that, even throughout my previous relationships.

It seems that with previous girlfriends or people who I tried dating, I was always fighting for them or fighting with them fighting about them.  It's the language I knew I guess.

But this time?

With Supergirl...

that's just it.  With her.  We are together and that's all there is to it.

That's not to say that it was effortless to get where we are-- it took a good amount of time for us to build our way to where we are now.  But it was never a fight, or a struggle.  It almost just felt as if the next step was just inevitable, and that it would just happen, like growth itself.

And suddenly, I find that I don't have much energy to diffuse anymore.  It's been months since I practiced martial arts.  It's been longer still since I've picked up a badminton racket.

At first I was always itching for something else to replace it, which is why I started training independantly at home, or with the running, and the cycling.

But ever since I started going out with Supergirl, I just kind of feel that I don't need it anymore-- it feels as if all that dark, bitter stuff is gone.

I always thought that I exercised to be fit, but it's recently that I realized that that was just a bonus.  Really, it was always because I needed to work something off.

Nowadays... I dunno. I guess I'm confused about some things, and part of it is how unlike anyone before, [Supergirl] makes my core feel at peace.